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the first day of summer

I doubt that anyone at all still reads this. The Creative Writing blog-posting trickled a little through the summer and into September and Kyle made a new blog for rabbit and wombatty pursuits, but then it all faded out. But I'm going to post something anyway!

So the first year of college is over. It wasn't what I thought it would be, really. At Prout I had all sorts of grand ideas about college and thought: it's my first opportunity to be independent, to burst out into the world! I didn't do any bursting out into the world. In fact, I did a fair amount of retreating and hiding from the world. College threw me off. Without the familiar structure of senior year Prout, I didn't know quite what to do.

There were many of the same people, but I found myself subtly pushing most of them away. Closing myself off. I never felt like I belonged at college.

The green leaves outside and the warm air coming through the windows makes me think of the end of last year, of prom and Anime Boston and graduation parties stretching into the summer. Coming on a year ago, I sat in this exact same seat when I got home from Anime Boston. It's a very vivid memory and it makes me long for a time like that again. We just had so much fun. This year, there weren't group adventures, that feeling of freedom. College was a new place and I didn't know what to do with myself there.

There was a little renaissance of the feeling when Jill came back. But what came of that? In certain ways, I feel like I have been sleeping this year. There were amazing things, sure - but I regret not being as close to my prout friends. I miss creative writing class, I REALLY miss Anime Boston, I miss the light and wind on Jackie's lawn before the prom.

I don't know what to do with myself at college, really. Yesterday was the last day of freshman year. I turned in two papers, took one exam, and badly screwed up a strange part of my writing final. Then I went outside and sat under a tulip tree for a while. I felt like maybe some day I could get to like the place if I could just find a corner that's my own.

eighteen tomorrow

Tomorrow I will turn eighteen. A legal adult. I will be able to vote and such. I keep thinking of when I was five and would see something really cool on TV that you could buy like a scooter but the ad would always say, "Must be 18 to order." Well tomorrow I will be able to order a scooter from TV if I wanted to.

So today, tonight, now is my last official and legal day of childhood. But I'm not about to get all melodramatic because nothing is going to change. I'm still always going to be a little kid getting excited about holidays and seasons and everything. Like yesterday I freaked out because somebody bought a PUMPKIN at work (OH MY GOD A PUMPKIN A SIGN OF AUTUMN YESSSSS).

Eighteen. I think I am a very lucky eighteen.

My birthday will consist of hot chocolate and lovely coming-into-autumn weather because it has been very chilly out lately, enough to wear long sleeve sweaters in daytime and even coats at night, YES!!!, I start a new Writing Seminar on my birthday and then have three other classes because Tuesdays are the long day, then I am going to a cafe with my mom, and then have to go back to school for an extra lecture at night...

But life is all so beautiful and I am glad to be (almost) eighteen and a part of it.

update!

I LOVE COLLEGE.

a ghost each place i hide

So July 19. I just realized it has been two months since prom and almost two months since Anime Boston. Wow. And it has been one month since graduation and driving all over down early summer fresh green roads getting lost on the way to graduation parties in a new car. I realized yesterday that my car hit the 9000 mile mark which means I put over 1000 miles on it in one month o_O.

So July. The middle of summer. I miss June and May... June was complete freedom and doing anything anytime anywhere and well it was our time. Since it was our graduation month and all, I mean. And May. Well. I miss... wandering around at Anime Boston and staying up/out late at night wandering from the convention center to the mall to the Sheraton because that was a sort of freedom too. And staying up at night in rooms 1262 and 1267 and mornings when the guys would call our room and the phone would ring REALLY annoyingly and ask "Hey do you want to go to the pool?" And we all would get lost again or do some window-dancing or switch elevators to confuse everybody.

The height of summer - July, August - has always felt strange and suspended to me. I like it... because there is always the possibility of going to the beach and no school of course... But it feels like we're stuck between the best time ever and the huge unknown of COLLEGE. And I don't know what is happening.

And... I miss the feeling of freedom I guess. And how everything completely and totally changed in the best way imaginable those last two months. From being trapped to free. (Or as Spanky said during Chelsea's tarot reading, "pre-omelet" and "post-omelet" X____X. But you had to be there.) But basically. There is... no more fear and reservation because of that time. I just miss being in the middle of all the craziness.

Hello there! If any creative writing fellows still read this. Since the last update (of graduation)... I got a car, a college schedule, and a job (as cashier at Dave's, the grocery store, in East Greenwich)... I'm officially going to be a Journalism major at URI and I have a schedule filled with things like Political Science and Social Philosophy to prove it and am really really excited about it... And yeah. Well... keep blogging, comrades. Even if you have nothing to say...

grraaaaaduation!

My high school graduation:

- I got my rose pinned on and two minutes later was running outside to a car and I broke my flower. Walked back in saying, "I CAN'T BELIEVE I BROKE MY GRADUATION FLOWER". And had to get a new one.

- My graduation cap FELL OFF in the middle of the ceremony... and I said, "oh, shit,"... in front of the bishop who was sitting right near me.

- I forgot to turn my tassel to the other side of the cap when everyone else did and when they were all done was still struggling to move it past the pointy part of the cap.

- All of my out-of-school best friends - sisters - since the age of five... Kadie, Holly, Nikki, and Justine... took the night off of work even if it meant calling coworkers at midnight to get them to cover, even though one had a final exam the next day, to come to my graduation and they sat with my parents and after the principal said, "This is a formal celebration, please no cheering, only applause," they whooped and yelled when I went up to get my diploma and I grinned madly. They were the first ones to break the rule and cheer. ^_^

- My best friends sat in the auditorium laughing their heads off at the stiff formal officials on stage and blew kisses at me when I was sitting up there bored and I signaled back with thumbs-up signs and grins.

- So disappointed I missed Kyle's whirring-light-thing in the tassel-turning part. The misfortunes of the front row. :P

- Stood out in the grass for a long time after it was over with friends, laughing and being crazy, introducing the school friends to the out-of-school entourage, taking pictures, and being even more crazy. Took a picture with one of the entourage who is also in the class of 2006 but graduated from a different school... with the gown hiked up and an evil expression... to make fun of our eighth-grade graduation photo where we looked like little princesses.

- Went out for ice cream afterward at Newport Creamery in North Kingstown with my parents and the best friends, and Lisa, and Dave! Throwing sugar packets at each other, laughing madly, yelling, telling stories, reminiscing about crazy things we did in the past, informing Lisa and Dave about things like the sequels to the Mummy movies the best friends and I made and... lobsters...

- Going back home... drowsy... Dropping off friends... One friend is signing the lease on her apartment tomorrow with her boyfriend... Another taking a final exam... One already graduated... One probably going to work... One going to school probably. And the friends from my class, we're having a party of course.

- Getting home. Presents and cards all on the table. Diploma on top of the cap, tassel MIA, probably back in the van. There are balloons and flowers and gifts for me and to give to others.

That was an absolutely CRAZY graduation - flower broken, swearing in front of the bishop, losing cap, tassel problems, friends, laughing, being completely irreverent, ice cream sundae, yelling, screaming, summer air and caps and gowns and the last time in the auditorium, no - last time in the school. I'm not a Prout student any more. Yes, that was crazy, absolutely insane and WONDERFUL and HILARIOUS and I LOVED EVERY MINUTE.

summing up? not quite

So this is kind of incredibly after the fact... but, I figured I would do it anyway.

Just wondering. Is anyone going to keep writing in their creative-writing-blogs?

This semester I think my whole writing-thing changed completely. I started with some cryptic poems and then got tired of writing them... And moved on to some overly self reflective posts that must have been very annoying to read if anyone actually read them... Wrote a few REALLY bitchy entries about language and elitism and introversion and other stuff that I'm embarassed about now... Then came to the end of the year and realized basically, why does it matter?, I'm just going to live and who cares if I even write about it at all but if I do then it will only be honest.

You know I'm looking forward to studying journalism in college (because I am going to do that - instead of English... I'm SO burnt out on English -_-) because journalists' writing has to be to the point and has to say what needs to be said in a simple way... with no annoying hovering and dodging around the subject. Straightforward. I'm looking forward to having to be bold and outgoing to find out something for a story. Really I'm done with these things: fear, complaining, and hiding. Which is what I used to use writing for. There you go.

rather than retreating

So I didn't cry on retreat... but I had fun! In spite of sentimental group activities it was not as bad as I had thought. I didn't burst out crying or anything but I did like the last part. I didn't really feel like I had to say anything because well, you guys all know what I think of you ^_^. (aka I love you all incredibly.) I must also admit that I can't be emotional and sobbing at a retreat because there is always a little mischevious voice in my head that just cannot resist laughing about something. ^^; To me, it's not really the retreat confessions and group conversations that were important. The more important things are the conversations we've had all through this year, serious and not, and the very weird jokes we all have, and the more silent little promises to stay friends, and just the understanding between friends that doesn't need to be gone over in words again and again. Though the spoken ones are great too - one thing I loved was the letter writing thing... So thanks for that. And it's still going on you guys, so let's enjoy every minute of it. Even exams. We can just pretend they aren't exams... maybe. There are parties to come, and running into the sea (right CPS), and everything. So let us go crazy. It will be great.

"DOLE!" "Dole?" "DOLE!!!" "DOOLLEEE!!!!!"

Thank you all for one of the absolute best weekends of my life. I love you guys.

this is IT! ^_^

I haven't wanted to write lately. But it has been for a very very good reason: I'm having the time of my life. Honestly! These past few weeks have been completely incredible, full of anticipation, and friendship, becoming closer to some friends, sharing secrets and jokes and the best times. Since last Friday I haven't stopped dancing and I LOVE IT.

Things that used to matter to me - suddenly don't matter at all. Unimportant things have all fallen away. Why think about the meaning of life and read philosophy? I would rather be jumping around and dancing and talking and flying and LIVING. Right now. This IS the meaning of life.

This is the best senior year a girl could wish for, really. The important things: going to the Oak Hill Tavern to see Maddy sing at Christmastime... getting lost with Jill going to Abby's, going over the Newport bridge when we were supposed to be in Jamestown, all roads lead to tollbooths!, loitering in the parking lot with Jill and Kent after school, talking to Jackie in gym and gossipping with her (and Dylan!), conversations with Kyle made up of: "Wombat!" "Wallaby!" "PLATYPUS!!!" "WOMBAT!!!!!", being "DOLE!"d by Dave at various intervals, and everyone else, just everything. Dave's last entry was about how we all took a huge group picture at prom and when the cameras were going off just all yelled "DOOOLLLEEE!!!!!" And that was an absolutely amazing moment that just sums up all of our friendships. Absolutely incredible. THANK YOU, all.

This is the meaning of life! (Wombat Theology?) Jump in!

And this weekend! ANIME BOSTON! Thousands more memories waiting to be made. Let's go!

yep, pretty amazing

Jackie's house... sunlight... excitement, spinning around as everyone gets ready, shoes put on, purses taken up... Outside in the wind, standing in the grass with heels, pictures, camera flashes, posing, laughing...

More arrivals, phone calls from others, waiting, flowers!, more and more pictures... The van coming, waiting at the end of the driveway... loading in the overnight bags... And the rest of the group coming... time to leave!

Hard to arrange all the group in the van... "Kent pretend you're trying to fit in illegal immigrants!" Music on the way and Maddy and Jackie dancing in the backseat, "Play that song," "No that one!" And barelling through Brick Market and out and finally -- there!

Stepping inside... waiting and standing and meeting more friends as they come... Jill: "My date was stolen...!" Finally walking up the staircase and down the hall and into the ballroom and figuring out the tables and sitting down for dinner.

Group picture confusion... "Did you pay yet?" "What about you?" And chocolate cake.

Dancing dancing dancing - and Kyle and Spencer carrying Jackie across the dance floor (:D) - and taking pictures - more dancing - getting tired but it doesn't matter at all - out on the balcony, wind and cold air and harbor lights, but it's time to go back inside and dance even more...

Kat: "It's pretty disturbing when teachers catch you dancing like... that."

Outside in the hall cameras flashing again. All of us posing in a huge group. "On 3..." "DOOOLLLEEEE!!!!"

And spinning around between tables... "I feel kind of drunk... off life" More than halfway done, music and dresses, hair getting a little messy, some shoes off, ties off... And trying to figure out Cotton Eye Joe and failing absolutely -

The last dance, wanting it to last because it can't be over... But the music goes on so long and then finished... Lights go on - no -

Candy jars, picking up flowers and everything, out in the hall, going down the stairs, goodbyes... but not for long at all...

"Congratulations!"

"...For what?!..."

"You're graduating! Did you forget?"

"I want to forget!"

Out in the cool dark night in front of the hotel. Sad, it really can't be over!

"ANIME BOSTON NEXT WEEKEND!!!!"

Piling back in the van again, everyone exuberant, laughing, jokes flying all over the place, "Three guys walk into a bar," blasting the 'senior prank cd', almost falling off the seat every time the van takes a sharp turn. Holding flowers and jar of candy and purse and gloves -

The beach, cold cold cold and windy, stepping in puddles in our pretty shoes, but the ocean is loud, the stars are so beautiful, but we have to get back in!

Loud and laughing all the way back to Maddy's house, "Just park across the street and we'll walk over," "No is it this house?" All out again, grab up everything, flowers on the counter, overnight bag and purse and all on a chair, collapse somewhere, but it still can't be over!

"I want to just rewind!"

"Me too!" "Yeah..."

Playing Apples to Apples half asleep, "I'm too tired to keep playing," "Me too," "Let's stop"... Dark and voices dropping off... Laying awake all night I think... only remember morning and dawn through the kitchen window -

And breakfast at Oatley's, coffee, Dylan's mountain of plates, three (or four) cars, and dancing at stop signs -

And it still can't be over!

I love all of my friends SO MUCH. Thank you for every minute.

So, that was amazing. ^-^

platypus live onstage!

I sat there in French class with tingling nerves. Everybody else was watching a film on Napoleon but I was basically watching the clock. Were we going to be called down? ... 1:15... 1:20... 1:25!!!! Apparently not. My heart was beating quickly and - suddenly Jill appeared at the door gesturing wildly and then we were leaving down the hall and it was all starting.

I wasn't sure how to get onstage. Go in the back door and from backstage? But I couldn't mess up the curtain. Side door? But then I'd go in with the audience?

But I got on the stage anyway. Most people were already there. I found the chair stolen from backstage that I was supposed to sit in, and sat down. Onstage. My chair was right in the front, and I looked out over the audience. The memory is mostly black. The stage was black... and the audience was tinged black... and the lights made everything seem surreal.

You don't know how glad I was for those spotlights. I'd heard that the lights shine so brightly that you can't see the audience. It is true and I was ecstatic about it. If I could just stand on stage and pretend the audience wasn't there it might be okay.

But before the lights dimmed... I could see them all. Classmates in the senior section, all familiar - how could I go up and do a completely non-me-like monologue in front of them? Juniors - yep, friends in there too. Sophomores and freshmen, no big deal... But I kept looking through the senior section. They made me nervous. Until - I saw Kyle... and Kent... and Dave... toward the back. Then I breathed a sigh of relief.

Then the lights faded, the audience was dark and I could only see the front row, whose occupants still made me nervous. Matt was out in the audience and started his monologue. I sat there with my heart pounding fiercely thinking, "What the HELL am I doing up here?!?!?!??!?!" Matt kept going and I thought how bad it was to be number two, to have to follow one of the best actors in the school, and how absolutely terrified I was and wondering why I ever wanted to do this. So what if I wanted to try being on the Prout stage before an audience once before I graduate? I thought, it wasn't worth this TERROR!

And then... DARN IT... Matt walked back on stage. He finished. He sat down. And it was my turn. I waited for Matt to sit down... and got up... and walked to the edge of the stage... And started my monologue with that infamous first line and then -

It was okay. I didn't forget anything. I didn't mess up. I didn't fall off the stage. I didn't get rotten tomatoes thrown at me and no one laughed. ^-^

When I was finished I couldn't believe it. Last sentence... and I sat down... It was over. I had done it. I had just said a long monologue in front of more than six hundred people. WOW. I still cannot believe it. I sat still tense but with a quieter heart and listened to the next ones... during Andrew's I was still in aftershock... by the time it got to Jill's I was realizing it (and cheering inwardly for Jill ^_^)... and then it was over... Micah's happened... Sasha's and we were filing off the stage and out of the auditorium... And we all stood there.

WOW. I was on stage in front of more than six hundred people. HOLY CRAP. I can't quite comprehend it. Me. But I'm glad I did it. I forced myself to do it. I was terrified. But it was okay. And I'm incredibly glad I did it.