reluctant

I think that if I were ever to be a hero, I would be a reluctant hero. (You know, like Aragorn.) One who just wants life to go on simply and contentedly - not to live in a state of mindless bliss, but rather, to do what one wants to do, have one's own adventures, be independent, and have things remain simple. But this person feels duty-bound to something else - a great cause - and really wants someone else to save the world, but who then feels guilty about pushing responsibility upon another, and does not want to see the world or its people come to harm... Yes, I'd be a reluctant hero, if a hero at all.

I'm not a good leader. But I don't want to be a supreme leader. That does not mean that I want to be a follower, for to follow is not part of my nature. Rather I like to lead myself and walk my own path and if some friends want to walk with me, then yay.

But sometimes I worry that maybe someday, my own life would be disrupted by duty, that I would have to lead a crusade to save something dear to me. One should think that saving something dear would not be a burden. Maybe I'm just horribly lazy. Or terribly selfish. Or both.

Maybe it's just that I do things either all-out or not at all. I ricochet between extremes. Because I am afraid the middle will not be enough and I'll be self-accused of not having passion enough to be extreme. But then the obligation of being extreme comes back to harangue me and I feel like I am thrown up into a whirling and noisy - yet still - state, not knowing what to do.

I look at nature and am calmed, and believe, and know. A day in nature makes me feel as though I could be taught everything worth knowing by nature.

But then the electric whirlwind hits and I am worried. scared. That I'll have to protect what I hold dear to me and will not be up to the challenge, not wanting to lead, just wanting to do my own thing.

The thing is, I feel like - theoretically - I should save the world. But I do not want that responsibility. And I know that it is crazy to even think of taking on all things like that by myself because such a thing is impossible (and I don't even believe in impossible). I don't like to work with others, I like to work alone. I like to do my own independent thing. I am worried that someday I would be duty-bound. I am worried that I would sever all attachments in favor of a life of my own ambition and pleasure, doing nothing for the world or the people around me. I love the world and its people so, but I prefer small acts of kindness. (Like in Amélie.) Am I lazy, selfish, or is that just me? Is there something wrong?

This probably makes no sense to anyone but me.