honesty
Lately I have wanted honesty. In writing, action, thought, and just life. What is dishonesty? Not just lying, saying words that contradict the way things really are, but living untruths, consciously or unconsciously. Most of the time it is unconsciously. I percieve many things that are not honest in this sense; I mean, not true, or true in one sense, but leaving behind other truths.
Okay, that was all mumbling. What I am trying to say is - lately I have looked forward to living truly, simply, joyfully. And have been slowly climbing out of the craving for prestige. I am learning more about what I want to do and how I want to live. I don't want to be caught up and tangled in titles, appearances, noise and complications. I just want to live honestly and be joyful each day.
And that mumbling opening paragraph up there was not completely honest. I cover things in symbols and crypticism in writing - it is what I do. And in some ways it is A LOT of fun and makes things terribly interesting. But sometimes it just prevents things from being said.
Anyway.
I used to think that being extraordinary would have to mean doing something Big and Important in the traditional sense - being a Leader, you know.
All of the college brochures say they are looking for Leaders, all of those scholarship essays say they reward Leadership. What is that? The person who has a list of ten activities, all of which they have led as president or vice-president or team captain, who has a report card with nothing ever below a 96, who does 400 hours of community service each year? Maybe. I haven't figured it out yet. People with qualifications like that, I've seen, often get the prizes. And those who give the prizes never know that the rewarded overachiever is perhaps, in daily life, something of a snob who hangs around with popular friends and looks condescendingly at everyone else.
So you never know. Sometimes it is hard to tell if something is sincere. Did this person participate in those ten activities because she was devoted and loved doing them, or did she sign up because they would look so well on her transcript?
Many of us seniors have done the transcript-enhancing bit of participating.
And I wonder if it is the same when we are out of school. Well, it can be. People do things often because it will make them look important, get them more money, or more prestige. Sometimes they completely forget what it was they really wanted when they were children, before they started worrying about how others viewed them.
I just want to live without the concern for how things will look to others. I think I am getting closer. My friends know, of course, the crazy things I tend to do throughout the day, and know that I don't worry about what strangers will think of me.
But it carries over into the whole College Decision business. At the beginning of the year, what I wanted was for people to be impressed when I told them the name of my college, to get recognition, to have people think I did something right. But now I am teaching myself not to care. That things will be fine if I make them fine.
My parents, who have a talent for giving incredibly good advice, told me right from the start of the getting-into-college business that my college education will be what I make of it. That I could go to a fancy school and be unhappy if I didn't belong there, or go to a not-so-fancy school and be fine if I filled every experience with opportunity - or vice versa.
For a while, I spun off into the desire for prestige and recognition. If I was not recognized for something, I would be angry, would feel jilted. But now I see clearly that the recognition from others does not matter at all - it is my intuition about what is right for me that really matters, and the light feeling of being completely honest with myself.
Honesty: what do I honestly want? I have lived for a while in ambiguity and confused myself about what I wanted, but I think I am coming out of the daze. I want to eliminate elitism from my mind. I want to "greet each day with joy", to be crazy if I want to, to be quiet if I want to, to spread joy, to wear bright colors, to celebrate nature, to celebrate every day, to create ceaselessly, to worship. I want to further explore a particular religion and seriously consider whether it is right for me. I want to uphold my virtues of purity and goodness and optimism and humor. I want to learn how to make beautiful things that bring something genuine into others' lives. I want to remember it is not for me to judge what qualifies as impressive and what does not. I want to not get lost in speculation, and perhaps to speak to myself in shorter words, and to remember that I am a dreamer, and it is my work to create dreams.
What do you want, honestly?
Okay, that was all mumbling. What I am trying to say is - lately I have looked forward to living truly, simply, joyfully. And have been slowly climbing out of the craving for prestige. I am learning more about what I want to do and how I want to live. I don't want to be caught up and tangled in titles, appearances, noise and complications. I just want to live honestly and be joyful each day.
And that mumbling opening paragraph up there was not completely honest. I cover things in symbols and crypticism in writing - it is what I do. And in some ways it is A LOT of fun and makes things terribly interesting. But sometimes it just prevents things from being said.
Anyway.
I used to think that being extraordinary would have to mean doing something Big and Important in the traditional sense - being a Leader, you know.
All of the college brochures say they are looking for Leaders, all of those scholarship essays say they reward Leadership. What is that? The person who has a list of ten activities, all of which they have led as president or vice-president or team captain, who has a report card with nothing ever below a 96, who does 400 hours of community service each year? Maybe. I haven't figured it out yet. People with qualifications like that, I've seen, often get the prizes. And those who give the prizes never know that the rewarded overachiever is perhaps, in daily life, something of a snob who hangs around with popular friends and looks condescendingly at everyone else.
So you never know. Sometimes it is hard to tell if something is sincere. Did this person participate in those ten activities because she was devoted and loved doing them, or did she sign up because they would look so well on her transcript?
Many of us seniors have done the transcript-enhancing bit of participating.
And I wonder if it is the same when we are out of school. Well, it can be. People do things often because it will make them look important, get them more money, or more prestige. Sometimes they completely forget what it was they really wanted when they were children, before they started worrying about how others viewed them.
I just want to live without the concern for how things will look to others. I think I am getting closer. My friends know, of course, the crazy things I tend to do throughout the day, and know that I don't worry about what strangers will think of me.
But it carries over into the whole College Decision business. At the beginning of the year, what I wanted was for people to be impressed when I told them the name of my college, to get recognition, to have people think I did something right. But now I am teaching myself not to care. That things will be fine if I make them fine.
My parents, who have a talent for giving incredibly good advice, told me right from the start of the getting-into-college business that my college education will be what I make of it. That I could go to a fancy school and be unhappy if I didn't belong there, or go to a not-so-fancy school and be fine if I filled every experience with opportunity - or vice versa.
For a while, I spun off into the desire for prestige and recognition. If I was not recognized for something, I would be angry, would feel jilted. But now I see clearly that the recognition from others does not matter at all - it is my intuition about what is right for me that really matters, and the light feeling of being completely honest with myself.
Honesty: what do I honestly want? I have lived for a while in ambiguity and confused myself about what I wanted, but I think I am coming out of the daze. I want to eliminate elitism from my mind. I want to "greet each day with joy", to be crazy if I want to, to be quiet if I want to, to spread joy, to wear bright colors, to celebrate nature, to celebrate every day, to create ceaselessly, to worship. I want to further explore a particular religion and seriously consider whether it is right for me. I want to uphold my virtues of purity and goodness and optimism and humor. I want to learn how to make beautiful things that bring something genuine into others' lives. I want to remember it is not for me to judge what qualifies as impressive and what does not. I want to not get lost in speculation, and perhaps to speak to myself in shorter words, and to remember that I am a dreamer, and it is my work to create dreams.
What do you want, honestly?
posted by Laura at 3:47 PM
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