worry
I am not one to get stressed. In fact, I've hardly ever really been frantically stressed like many people I know. Of course, I always have about ten million minor worries, but I've never been the sort to freak out over a big assignment - just complain internally a little and then go with the flow.
But recently it hit me that I only get one chance to get into a good college and if I don't then well I could be screwed. And it hit me pretty hard and painfully and so I said, my goodness I have to get straight A+s by the end of this year to make sure I get into a good one. I have to do well on every assignment, study for every test until I know everything, and revise every paper over and over again until it is right.
I got an 82 on a test/quizthing the other day and almost swore aloud when I saw it in the middle of class. (And I never swear.) Then every time I thought about it I wanted to cry and was angry with myself and angry with the teacher for not having even explained more than just a little bit about what the test was on. And I know it should be put in the past because there is no other place for it.I'm just so worried. These fears make me obsessive and this obsession makes me compulsive and that's where I get to the very unpleasantness of the thing. I feel unprepared. I feel like getting into college is like a chess-game, in which a good player has to plan his every move far in advance in order to come out victorious. I am remorseful over the Bs and one shameful C that I got in freshman year, two years ago. In fact, I am remorseful over every B that has appeared on my report card all throughout high school, and angry that they have not only made an occasional appearance, because I mostly get A's with two or three B's. The blind ambition to get a row of grades above 94 on my year's-end report card is stressful.
But I realized that the schools I want most to go to are so selective, accepting usually less than 30% of their applicants, sometimes a lot less. I didn't know this before! I didn't know those were the ones I'd pick! How was I supposed to know, so far in advance? It seems like I should've known freshman year to get high grades to get into all honors tenth grade classes to get recommended for eleventh grade IB classes, of which in eleventh grade now I have none. At least I'm not going to mess up next year. It's going to be my most challenging schedule yet with APs and IBs and other such things. And then I worry that it will be a lot of work and I'd fall behind which I cannot under any circumstances ever do ever.
I've been so harrowed about it lately. For example, I got home from school today and read a letter from the school that got send to my house concerning a change in school uniform. See, usually, seniors are allowed to wear pastel colored blouses with no sweater or vest, while the rest of the students are made to wear plain white blouses with sweaters/vests over them. But next year seniors will be able only to wear blue shirts with a sweater or vest over them. I burst out crying. Yes, it is mightily disappointing to face another year of boring uniforms when I had looked forward to a little less dulness, but it's no reason to start sobbing. Really I wasn't in such a fit of nerves because of the uniform change but rather because of the stressfulness of all this and worrying about the mistakes I made in the past with not having gotten the best grades I could've gotten, and the imperative need to get the best grades now. And I know I'm not even applying to colleges for another, what, seven or eight months? But like I said, it feels like I had to start earlier than I am starting now with everything planned out just so to ensure success.
Success. It makes me jealous. My cardinal sin is fear and one of the many things of which I am afraid is failure. Fear leads me to jealousy and I envy those who strive to do their best all the time and who have planned since freshman year and who did take all those IB classes and who do get straight A's all the time. I'm jealous. I'm jealous and it's not good, for I should instead be motivated for myself without the poison of jealousy slipping in.
But recently it hit me that I only get one chance to get into a good college and if I don't then well I could be screwed. And it hit me pretty hard and painfully and so I said, my goodness I have to get straight A+s by the end of this year to make sure I get into a good one. I have to do well on every assignment, study for every test until I know everything, and revise every paper over and over again until it is right.
I got an 82 on a test/quizthing the other day and almost swore aloud when I saw it in the middle of class. (And I never swear.) Then every time I thought about it I wanted to cry and was angry with myself and angry with the teacher for not having even explained more than just a little bit about what the test was on. And I know it should be put in the past because there is no other place for it.I'm just so worried. These fears make me obsessive and this obsession makes me compulsive and that's where I get to the very unpleasantness of the thing. I feel unprepared. I feel like getting into college is like a chess-game, in which a good player has to plan his every move far in advance in order to come out victorious. I am remorseful over the Bs and one shameful C that I got in freshman year, two years ago. In fact, I am remorseful over every B that has appeared on my report card all throughout high school, and angry that they have not only made an occasional appearance, because I mostly get A's with two or three B's. The blind ambition to get a row of grades above 94 on my year's-end report card is stressful.
But I realized that the schools I want most to go to are so selective, accepting usually less than 30% of their applicants, sometimes a lot less. I didn't know this before! I didn't know those were the ones I'd pick! How was I supposed to know, so far in advance? It seems like I should've known freshman year to get high grades to get into all honors tenth grade classes to get recommended for eleventh grade IB classes, of which in eleventh grade now I have none. At least I'm not going to mess up next year. It's going to be my most challenging schedule yet with APs and IBs and other such things. And then I worry that it will be a lot of work and I'd fall behind which I cannot under any circumstances ever do ever.
I've been so harrowed about it lately. For example, I got home from school today and read a letter from the school that got send to my house concerning a change in school uniform. See, usually, seniors are allowed to wear pastel colored blouses with no sweater or vest, while the rest of the students are made to wear plain white blouses with sweaters/vests over them. But next year seniors will be able only to wear blue shirts with a sweater or vest over them. I burst out crying. Yes, it is mightily disappointing to face another year of boring uniforms when I had looked forward to a little less dulness, but it's no reason to start sobbing. Really I wasn't in such a fit of nerves because of the uniform change but rather because of the stressfulness of all this and worrying about the mistakes I made in the past with not having gotten the best grades I could've gotten, and the imperative need to get the best grades now. And I know I'm not even applying to colleges for another, what, seven or eight months? But like I said, it feels like I had to start earlier than I am starting now with everything planned out just so to ensure success.
Success. It makes me jealous. My cardinal sin is fear and one of the many things of which I am afraid is failure. Fear leads me to jealousy and I envy those who strive to do their best all the time and who have planned since freshman year and who did take all those IB classes and who do get straight A's all the time. I'm jealous. I'm jealous and it's not good, for I should instead be motivated for myself without the poison of jealousy slipping in.
posted by Laura at 4:29 PM
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