old subject of fear and getting over it

I want to write. But I don't know what to write about. Do I want to tackle something? Like: how formatted research papers are the bane of my [academic] existence? Orrr, how much I dislike English this year, which has been my favorite class in years previous? Do I want to whine or complain or rant? Oh, how I could. But I won't. Because it's whiney. No drama, dude. Man.

Do I want to talk about something else? Something that I think about a lot? Okay. I thought about this before but I forgot, and now I remember. I am going to write about my fears.
Fears. Neuroses. I'm a big one for them. Not that I like or support them, but I have always been quite afraid. It's been unfortunate and not much fun, but true.

I am terrified of death. I so vehemently admire those who have strong faith. Sometimes I am one of them - sometimes when I "wilfully suspend disbelief" and am open to beauty and goodness and all things seem right with the universe. It is easier than I expect, and sometimes it happens. I should try to make it happen more often. It is easiest in nature, and hardest in places with a lot of concrete.

I'm afraid of failure. Of not living up to my potential. Of wasting away in mediocrity. Of never getting to be extraordinary. I am terrified of never living my idealist's dreams.

I'm afraid of not getting recognition. Of doing something of which I am proud and having no one give me the slightest nod for it. Or of someone else getting credit for something that I did. I am a jealous girl, sometimes. I am jealous of achievers.

I'm terrified of global warming. I'm afraid that it would stop snowing in winter. I'm afraid of people who do not care about the environment and favor economic or industrial, technological progress. I'm afraid people wouldn't realize that they are living inside a miracle until it would be too late and they would have hurt everything. Notice that I used the conditional tense for all of that. That's compulsion for you... that is how terrified of that which I mentioned in this paragraph.

I'm afraid of having to lead. I'm afraid that the only way the world could be saved would be me leading people or taking on a decision-making position or rousing people's attention. I'm afraid that I will have to be a leader, and I do not want to be a leader. I do not want to be a follower. I want to "march in my own parade", solo, independent, with friends who are equals and not following or leading me.

I'm afraid of politics. I'm afraid of how inhuman things sometimes seem when things are all reduced to only intelluctualism and various theories.

I want to be an elf. (Don't laugh.) I want to have faith. I want to be bright. I want to be extraordinary. I want to be one of the inspiring ones. I want to be free from fear. I want to be independent. I want to fall in love. I want to have a marvellous life full of absolutely wonderful things, simple and grand. I want to live in a forest (enchanted), near a pond. The Walden-lifestyle similarities stop there because I want to live in a castle. Or a house of my own that is interestingly-colored with balconies and towers; it doesn't have to be huge. I want to never have to go to an office. I want to never have to get up early if I don't want to. I want to be unscheduled. I want to be spontaneous. I want to be free. I want to be alive. I want to love. I want to live. I want to write. I want to be published. I want to write something that will be remembered throughout the centuries...

I want for fear not to hold me back. I want to have endless revelations. I want the world to be new and young every day, except when the world wants to be old. I want new experiences, but constants like friends.

Maybe I want not to be afraid of being vulnerable. Like after I publish this, I will maybe think I should not have "poured my heart out" on a public blog. Maybe I will think that ohmygosh people are reading this, you idiot, why did you let them know that, what about your precious privacy and secrets that you keep? Maybe I will feel like I am not being hard-on-the-outside enough and keeping enough things hidden. Maybe that is because I do not have enough confidence. Maybe that is because I fear too much.