the plight of the introvert
(a response to dylan's post of 5/5)
You see them sometimes --- lurking around the corners, or standing next to you, lips annoyingly sealed, immobile and looming awkwardly. You think, what a creep, or, why doesn't she talk?, or think they are snobby or stupid.
But they're just shy.
Being "shy" is like a stigma. It brings whole lists of annoying things to encounter. Those who are outgoing don't know: they think shyness is just getting butterflies about doing things like asking someone to a dance or talking to an authority figure. But, unfortunately, it's more irritating and infuriating than that.
When you are shy or introverted, everyone wants you not to be. Outgoing people take it up as their special duty to get you to be outgoing, too. They think something must be wrong with you: you were sheltered too much as a child, or were raised with too many inhibitions. Teachers, instructors, and outgoing acquaintances make it their mission to "break your shell", and the insistent taps of their pickaxes are an embarassing annoyance interrupting your peaceful thoughts. Especially when somebody especially heroic decides to give "your shell" a good whack and the noise almost shatters your eardrums and just makes you want to find a new cave to hide in.
And when you are shy, people view you as unconfident, awkward, possessing the taboo Low Self Esteem. When really you are perfectly fine - you have confidence in your abilities - and can speak up for yourself if you need to - and have ambition to realize your dreams. But they just won't leave you alone because they do not understand shy people.
Why would anyone want to be alone for a little while with nothing but their own thoughts? There must be something wrong with them. Why would anyone want to observe other people without talking to them - they must be creepy stalkers. No, no, no!
Introverts are often very interested in other people. They care about them and tend to be empaths. But they are not extroverted - they don't feel the need to voice their thoughts or let others know all that's inside them. And that's perfectly fine. There's nothing wrong with introverts - we're just different from extroverts. We're not creepy or snobby or stupid, we just think in our own way.
So, go easy on the shy ones. When they're standing silently next to you they probably have lots to say, only are too shy to say it. And they are not just standing there to eavesdrop on you or to be creepy --- they probably really want to know you, they just don't know what to say to you. Or don't have anything to say but are waiting around in case they think of something. And don't think that's a big problem you have to fix. Do not pity them because that is what they are most afraid of.
You probably can't understand the terrible hand-wringing and twisted-insides-feeling of not being able to talk to people you don't know well. It's just incredibly hard for some of us. And that is why the shy ones hang around the edges --- not ready to be noticed --- but not quite chicken enough to vanish away by themselves. And if you really are having a private conversation, the one hanging around the edges probably honestly does not know it is private --- too busy worrying about whether or not he or she should be there! Half wanting to leave, but half wanting to stay so as not to fail again at talking to people.
It's not their fault, not a choice, or a decision; it's a trait, a natural and controlling characteristic. What to do? Nothing. Be patient and accept them --- try to actually get to know them instead of just writing them off without even knowing anything about them except for their silence. How would you like it if no one gave you a chance? And again, don't think you have to fix them. They'll work up the courage eventually, by themselves.
Just be quiet too for a little while. It might be a nice change.
You see them sometimes --- lurking around the corners, or standing next to you, lips annoyingly sealed, immobile and looming awkwardly. You think, what a creep, or, why doesn't she talk?, or think they are snobby or stupid.
But they're just shy.
Being "shy" is like a stigma. It brings whole lists of annoying things to encounter. Those who are outgoing don't know: they think shyness is just getting butterflies about doing things like asking someone to a dance or talking to an authority figure. But, unfortunately, it's more irritating and infuriating than that.
When you are shy or introverted, everyone wants you not to be. Outgoing people take it up as their special duty to get you to be outgoing, too. They think something must be wrong with you: you were sheltered too much as a child, or were raised with too many inhibitions. Teachers, instructors, and outgoing acquaintances make it their mission to "break your shell", and the insistent taps of their pickaxes are an embarassing annoyance interrupting your peaceful thoughts. Especially when somebody especially heroic decides to give "your shell" a good whack and the noise almost shatters your eardrums and just makes you want to find a new cave to hide in.
And when you are shy, people view you as unconfident, awkward, possessing the taboo Low Self Esteem. When really you are perfectly fine - you have confidence in your abilities - and can speak up for yourself if you need to - and have ambition to realize your dreams. But they just won't leave you alone because they do not understand shy people.
Why would anyone want to be alone for a little while with nothing but their own thoughts? There must be something wrong with them. Why would anyone want to observe other people without talking to them - they must be creepy stalkers. No, no, no!
Introverts are often very interested in other people. They care about them and tend to be empaths. But they are not extroverted - they don't feel the need to voice their thoughts or let others know all that's inside them. And that's perfectly fine. There's nothing wrong with introverts - we're just different from extroverts. We're not creepy or snobby or stupid, we just think in our own way.
So, go easy on the shy ones. When they're standing silently next to you they probably have lots to say, only are too shy to say it. And they are not just standing there to eavesdrop on you or to be creepy --- they probably really want to know you, they just don't know what to say to you. Or don't have anything to say but are waiting around in case they think of something. And don't think that's a big problem you have to fix. Do not pity them because that is what they are most afraid of.
You probably can't understand the terrible hand-wringing and twisted-insides-feeling of not being able to talk to people you don't know well. It's just incredibly hard for some of us. And that is why the shy ones hang around the edges --- not ready to be noticed --- but not quite chicken enough to vanish away by themselves. And if you really are having a private conversation, the one hanging around the edges probably honestly does not know it is private --- too busy worrying about whether or not he or she should be there! Half wanting to leave, but half wanting to stay so as not to fail again at talking to people.
It's not their fault, not a choice, or a decision; it's a trait, a natural and controlling characteristic. What to do? Nothing. Be patient and accept them --- try to actually get to know them instead of just writing them off without even knowing anything about them except for their silence. How would you like it if no one gave you a chance? And again, don't think you have to fix them. They'll work up the courage eventually, by themselves.
Just be quiet too for a little while. It might be a nice change.
posted by Laura at 7:57 AM
4 Comments:
I see that explanations must be made, or at least I feel that way.
Introverts and extroverts, two labels that need not be given. We are people, first and foremost, and we should not be divided so.
There's a line that divides listening and spying, that's what I want to say.
That's all I've to say.
Nice post, by the way. Good ideas, I like it.
ok.... thanks. there is a line that divides listening and spying but sometimes it is rather blurred (like someone might think someone is spying when they don't mean to be at all... or the other way round). I didn't mean to be bitchy or anything by the way, just to write a rebuttal. :)
Likewise. I apologize if I came off as offended or on the offensive.
Super color scheme, I like it! Keep up the good work. Thanks for sharing this wonderful site with us.
»
Post a Comment
<< Home