about criticism

I started to write this post as a comment to my dear Mogget, as she has just made a post about getting criticism from someone. My comment turned into a self-reflection sort of bit and I decided not to put a friend's comment box through the agony of displaying my selfishness SO. I make a post. :)

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If I got a criticism like that, I would be pratically burning with anger and indignation. Because I can't take criticism. :P My friend gets a criticism like that and uses it to make stuff better whereas some people (say me) would only huff off in a fury.

I don't like to criticize anybody's work in class. Some I don't see fault with so I don't criticize 'em! And others... Well I know what anger I get into when criticized so I don't want to criticize others and have them fly out at me. :P

Hm. Maybe I should be more "open to criticism" 'cause if something were bad I wouldn't want to go on thinking it good, but that's why I redo things so many times (seventeen rewrites, &c.), to make pieces surrounded by defenses against criticism. But really, having anything I did criticized sends me into such a fury that I feel like I can't even see straight and am a little trembly with the feeling of HOW COULD YOU?!, taking it all as such a personal insult to my pride. I get so very angry with the critic, and go on thinking overexaggerated and maybe-unreasonable things like, "Oh, aren't you so high and mighty, thinking that you just know everything?" in very sarcastic and bitter tones, etc.

But I must admit that I don't really want to change even though that's bad. It has always been so that I cannot take criticism. If criticized, I will be angry.

But criticize if you must because I don't despise being angry and even if I'm in such a rage against you one moment, a few hours (or days) later when things have calmed I might think about what you said and re-read something and think maybe you were a little bit right, or at least think about something that could be made better.

I am not reasonable.