consciously naive
This tends to happen to me a lot: something that seems charming turns out to be boring, annoying, or at worst, agony. Working at a cafetypeplace seemed charming but really I disliked that job muchly and am glad that I don't work there anymore. Now that schoolthings are making me think about college again, I'm wondering if college could turn out the same.
From reading my entries you readers probably know that I wanted much to go out of state for college and not to one of the public schools (reasons as follows, 70% egoism, 20% wanting adventure, 10% worry about academics and future job-ness). The egoism has luckily been checked, seeing as I'm usually a good student, but most definitely not the best and with complete certainty not nearly the most devoted. The worry about future job-ness is not as strong as it used to be, because I'm once again not completely sure about future job-ness, knowing that I want to be a writer eventually but needing something to do in the meantime as it might well take years and years to get published...
The remaining factor is the wanting adventure. There are (epic music plays) conflicting forces at play here. It seems that if one does not TAKE A CHANCE! TAKE A RISK! and move milesandmiles away from home to go to college, he is being BORING, he is refusing the principles of CARPE DIEM, he is MISSING OUT ON A CHANCE TO LEARN AND GROW AS A PERSON. I've been wondering whether or not this is true. As a rule I am afraid that my chickenish tendencies will lead to me missing out on life and thus feel pressured to try to make myself want to do the CARPE DIEMish things.
But lately I don't know what it is. The thing is that I'm not sure if the cause of me staying in state for college (if that does happen) would be 1) me being a wimp or 2) that decision being what I really&truly do want. And it seems like there is no way to figure it out. I'm just thinking about things, when I am at home, like this could be the last year I live here or if I move out when I am eighteen in less than one year from now I will never live here again or moving out so quickly will create a RIFT of sorts. You see, for a "teenagegirl" I'm freakishly close to my parents. There is no single trace of rebellion-against-parents in me because we are so close. I don't feel "READY" to stop living at home really, and I just DON'T KNOW if it is because I am afraid.
I am afraid of growing up in the sense that I am terrified of losing innocence: of one day waking up knowing that the glorious wonder of lifethroughachild'seyes has gone away. So I really do tend to guard innocence like a precious thing, refusing to let dirty-seeming problems come near me. Innocence leaving a child seems to me to be a great tragedy. (It's kind of like Holden Caufield trying to erase the swear words from the halls of an elementary school because knowing dirty words would be another step away from innocence for the children.) Yep, like Cassandra Mortmain (in one of my favorite books, I Capture the Castle), I am more than a little bit consciously naive in that I make an effort to keep away things that could make me less innocent...
In comingofagestory type of books, the character moves from being a child to being an adult by realizing that there is a whole life to experience and the character can't truly live by being sheltered like a small child. I am just afraid that if I move out into the Adult World, I'll destroy something completely precious and irreplacable.
From reading my entries you readers probably know that I wanted much to go out of state for college and not to one of the public schools (reasons as follows, 70% egoism, 20% wanting adventure, 10% worry about academics and future job-ness). The egoism has luckily been checked, seeing as I'm usually a good student, but most definitely not the best and with complete certainty not nearly the most devoted. The worry about future job-ness is not as strong as it used to be, because I'm once again not completely sure about future job-ness, knowing that I want to be a writer eventually but needing something to do in the meantime as it might well take years and years to get published...
The remaining factor is the wanting adventure. There are (epic music plays) conflicting forces at play here. It seems that if one does not TAKE A CHANCE! TAKE A RISK! and move milesandmiles away from home to go to college, he is being BORING, he is refusing the principles of CARPE DIEM, he is MISSING OUT ON A CHANCE TO LEARN AND GROW AS A PERSON. I've been wondering whether or not this is true. As a rule I am afraid that my chickenish tendencies will lead to me missing out on life and thus feel pressured to try to make myself want to do the CARPE DIEMish things.
But lately I don't know what it is. The thing is that I'm not sure if the cause of me staying in state for college (if that does happen) would be 1) me being a wimp or 2) that decision being what I really&truly do want. And it seems like there is no way to figure it out. I'm just thinking about things, when I am at home, like this could be the last year I live here or if I move out when I am eighteen in less than one year from now I will never live here again or moving out so quickly will create a RIFT of sorts. You see, for a "teenagegirl" I'm freakishly close to my parents. There is no single trace of rebellion-against-parents in me because we are so close. I don't feel "READY" to stop living at home really, and I just DON'T KNOW if it is because I am afraid.
I am afraid of growing up in the sense that I am terrified of losing innocence: of one day waking up knowing that the glorious wonder of lifethroughachild'seyes has gone away. So I really do tend to guard innocence like a precious thing, refusing to let dirty-seeming problems come near me. Innocence leaving a child seems to me to be a great tragedy. (It's kind of like Holden Caufield trying to erase the swear words from the halls of an elementary school because knowing dirty words would be another step away from innocence for the children.) Yep, like Cassandra Mortmain (in one of my favorite books, I Capture the Castle), I am more than a little bit consciously naive in that I make an effort to keep away things that could make me less innocent...
In comingofagestory type of books, the character moves from being a child to being an adult by realizing that there is a whole life to experience and the character can't truly live by being sheltered like a small child. I am just afraid that if I move out into the Adult World, I'll destroy something completely precious and irreplacable.
posted by Laura at 11:10 AM
1 Comments:
Mogget, thou art wise. I don't support ignorance either but sometimes I am ignorant... I'm afraid of accepting "adult knowledge" because I am afraid of responsibility and also I'm afraid of becoming jaded and boring and ceasing to think of the world as wonderful. I am trying to think up a way of being responsible while still living partly in the world of dreams - which is my natural habitat and which I think it would be a great sin to cast away. But as I said, your words are very wise. Thanks.
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