how
Blast it, it's been happening again. That pressing down feeling of scaredness. Blast!!!!! It's becoming greatly annoying, really. I had a very happy fifteen or so hours last night and this morning in which the world and the universe seemed right and being alive seemed normal. Then I was sitting there today and knowing it was coming back - but thinking, "no, come on, don't...": the feeling of alienness in one's own world - the disbelief in everything that I see and even everything that I am... I just want to give myself the gift of willful suspension of disbelief, of just letting go... It's like I want a vacation from my the parts of my own mind that bring that dreadful nervousness about.
But I still grasp tight to the stubborn wanting to know for sure, the not being able to just let go and believe, the wanting proof, the... Oh, I just hate when my mind twists itself to make me almost view the world as a joke that is not funny. I can't stand it really. I just want to live, but I am afraid that just living will not be enough.
It's not just the fact of glory-lust (of which I have), but also of the ache for something more made more painful and intense because I do not know what this "more" is. Added to this is the fact that I have almost resolved to save the world, thinking that if no one else will do it then I have to do something... And if I'm not as lustful for glory as Napoleon was, I admit to sharing his lack of trust and agreeing with his maxim, "If you want a thing done well, do it yourself." I'm such a dratted chicken when it comes down to it, though. I just hate it... it's like I do not even feel like myself, and because I am so often afraid, I often feel a stranger in my own identity. Oh, I love those times when I can just accept the world without questioning it. The rebels and the thinkers praise the virture of being able to question, but when one begins to question everything and when this questioning makes his firm beliefs evaporate from him, he begins to tire of the constant questioning and earnestly desire a blissful rest. I just don't know.
I feel something, but I don't know what. In these kinds of times I fear that I've twisted things up too much. In this state, I can't get anything done. Everything fades except my aching and festering disbelief. I don't want it, but there is always in the back of my mind the argument to believing without question: the dispute reads, "But how can it be that simple?"
But I still grasp tight to the stubborn wanting to know for sure, the not being able to just let go and believe, the wanting proof, the... Oh, I just hate when my mind twists itself to make me almost view the world as a joke that is not funny. I can't stand it really. I just want to live, but I am afraid that just living will not be enough.
It's not just the fact of glory-lust (of which I have), but also of the ache for something more made more painful and intense because I do not know what this "more" is. Added to this is the fact that I have almost resolved to save the world, thinking that if no one else will do it then I have to do something... And if I'm not as lustful for glory as Napoleon was, I admit to sharing his lack of trust and agreeing with his maxim, "If you want a thing done well, do it yourself." I'm such a dratted chicken when it comes down to it, though. I just hate it... it's like I do not even feel like myself, and because I am so often afraid, I often feel a stranger in my own identity. Oh, I love those times when I can just accept the world without questioning it. The rebels and the thinkers praise the virture of being able to question, but when one begins to question everything and when this questioning makes his firm beliefs evaporate from him, he begins to tire of the constant questioning and earnestly desire a blissful rest. I just don't know.
I feel something, but I don't know what. In these kinds of times I fear that I've twisted things up too much. In this state, I can't get anything done. Everything fades except my aching and festering disbelief. I don't want it, but there is always in the back of my mind the argument to believing without question: the dispute reads, "But how can it be that simple?"
posted by Laura at 7:21 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home