i held such a grudge against science

My mom's friend gave us a bunch of National Geographics. They were all out on the coffee-table and I looked through them and at their interesting cover-headlines.

Now, I had forgotten what National Geographic was like. So I eagerly opened one up to an article about early humans thinking it would be so interesting. But it was a little bit horrific - there were pictures of skulls everywhere and the most terrifying things. I only got through a little bit, thinking it would get better, but it didn't. I closed the magazine.

I picked up another one about the brain. It was possibly even more scary to me. There were more of those horrific and moribund pictures that I couldn't bare to look at - I couldn't bare to read the text on them. I turned the page. I saw some blood and my shocked gaze lept away. Turned the page. More horrifying text about trying to figure out how the brain worked and how early sixteenth-century scientists believed the soul was up in the brain and how the Egyptians thought the soul was in the heart and... and... and...

Slammed the magazine shut.

Now I was thinking, "Would that I had never opened a National Geographic!"

I stood waiting for the waves of panic to stop breaking over me. When I get like that, I feel like one more step and it would only take a good shove to send me over the edge into lunacy. It's not a good feeling. So I braced myself and held on to stop feeling panicky. I regretted reading some of those articles so much because prior, I had been having such a good, light-hearted, spiritual sort of day.

I like children's science books. They seem like a grandfatherly old storyteller gathering small children around, saying in the kindest voice imaginable, "Little children, what wonders the world holds for you!" But grown-up science publications make me all panicky because what if there is the brain instead of the soul? What if what if what if And how can it be that our early ancestors were so primitive and not like us? Re-enactments of them tearing apart animals make civilization today seem horrifiyingly like a joke that's not funny. Ohhh, panic. I hope it's not true. I know it's not true. I know modern civilization is not a joke. Maybe evolution makes sense becaue it is all part of some master plan and mystery. I mean, it would be pretty darn freaky if instead of everyone being born as babies, a middle-aged man just sprung out of the womb. Ew! So I guess civilization would have to be a baby before it could grow up or things would be wrong and out of harmony. That makes me feel better. And, and I know that there is a soul. But panic! And then I want to cry from that nauseating grip of fear!

I started thinking about what if we are descended from animals. I thought of my lovely little cat, Rosie. Suddenly I realized that she (as every evidence points) does not know English (or French). I wondered how that would be, not knowing language, and suddenly felt very afraid for house-animals who are always surrounded with talk that they don't understand! What must it be like? Panic. But then I remembered that when I am in an animal's presence, I don't understand their meow-language or barking-code so it's not that bad. Plus, they look happy enough and don't seem to mind.

See what I mean about one push and then lunacy?

Should I post this? Should I not post this? I'm really not this crazy. Usually. Just sometimes there is panic. I don't like it one bit. I have to get back that feeling that I get when everything is simple and spiritual. I must stand up in the face of the winds of science and realize that the universe is a miracle, science is just words that people use to describe an indescribable wonder. I really have to hold onto that.