hearing voices
I've realized lately that I would really like to hush up the voices in my head. No, I'm not crazy [in some respects :P]; I mean the voices of others' opinions about what I should do, what my goals should be, where I should go to college to get where I want to be. I want to remove from my thoughts the voices of teachers who think I must go to a prestigious college and chase after a prestigious job. And I want to mute the voices who say that it doesn't matter where I go to college. I would like to just have an interval in which all my thoughts about the subject are solely my own, because I don't really know what I, only I, want.
And I can't even know, perhaps I shouldn't even write about it, yet, because I won't know until the end of March or beginning of April all the colleges to which I've been accepted. So far I've gotten into three and am waiting on two - the two being my number one choices. I've been so fiery and adamant about wanting to go to the latter two, which have good reputations as Fancy New England Liberal Arts Schools, which I've visited and liked, where the professors seemed in love with their subjects. The other three, the ones to which I've already been accepted, are not fancy, are just 'regular'. I'll just be talking in circles until I get those letters in March.
But I would really like to know what I want. I've had some inklings and glimpses. I don't really want a prestigious job, to be an editor, or a publisher, or a curator. I want to do something very artsy and happy and original and unique. I don't want to ever live in a city; I want to live in the country. And... learn. And trip toward wisdom. And make everything beautiful.
I am trying to push out the voice of prestige, of glory-lust. I've been very in-lust for glory and prestige in the past but now I realize that it isn't what I really want, it is in fact something standing in the way of what I really want. I don't want to settle for anything out of fear - but I don't want to chase prestige thinking that it is the only way to make anything last.
I'm trying at pushing all the voices out. I know that the owners of many of the voices only speak up because they really care, but sometimes the conflicting opinions wear on me and confuse me until I don't know what I want for myself under it all.
And I can't even know, perhaps I shouldn't even write about it, yet, because I won't know until the end of March or beginning of April all the colleges to which I've been accepted. So far I've gotten into three and am waiting on two - the two being my number one choices. I've been so fiery and adamant about wanting to go to the latter two, which have good reputations as Fancy New England Liberal Arts Schools, which I've visited and liked, where the professors seemed in love with their subjects. The other three, the ones to which I've already been accepted, are not fancy, are just 'regular'. I'll just be talking in circles until I get those letters in March.
But I would really like to know what I want. I've had some inklings and glimpses. I don't really want a prestigious job, to be an editor, or a publisher, or a curator. I want to do something very artsy and happy and original and unique. I don't want to ever live in a city; I want to live in the country. And... learn. And trip toward wisdom. And make everything beautiful.
I am trying to push out the voice of prestige, of glory-lust. I've been very in-lust for glory and prestige in the past but now I realize that it isn't what I really want, it is in fact something standing in the way of what I really want. I don't want to settle for anything out of fear - but I don't want to chase prestige thinking that it is the only way to make anything last.
I'm trying at pushing all the voices out. I know that the owners of many of the voices only speak up because they really care, but sometimes the conflicting opinions wear on me and confuse me until I don't know what I want for myself under it all.
posted by Laura at 4:01 PM
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