lies

Lying to myself - I must admit to it. I used to do it a lot more than I do now. In the insecure days of middle school and the first two years of high school I did it all the time - like most teenagers I told myself it was all right to change myself to fit in, that it was not all right to be different and such. But that's not what I want to talk about, because it was silly. What I want to talk about are the more subtle "lies".

I think the main lie that I tell myself is that I am impractical. I don't tell myself this so much as feel the thought lurking sometimes. A writer, an artist, an exuberant and joyful soul - these are the things I want to be. A lurking lie that I tell myself is that it might elude me because of a sometimes-lazy disposition, that I couldn't have what I want. That is a lie; it is an easy way around passion.

I've been thinking so much lately about what I want. I suppose another lie I've told myself is that it is okay to let others shape my life. Of course it's okay to let others help me; I'm only a child yet and can't do a lot of things on my own in the meanwhile. But I've lied to myself that it is all right to let others lead me in a direction that I'm not sure I want to take.

I've lied to myself that security and safety are the most important things. That I would be fine "settling", not pursuing my real desires but settling for something safer. I think that is the main lie I tell myself: that I don't want more than being fine. The truth is that I want so much more than "fineness"; I want amazingness. Not to wake up every morning reluctant but have a few good times during the day, but to wake up every morning full of excitement and joy for what I am going to do.

I think that I should really stop telling myself this last lie of "fineness" being okay. College is this year - my first big opportunity to pursue what I want, to have a space on my own to find out what I want, my first real chance to break out into life. I have to stop that lurking thought that complacent security might be better, because it won't be. I have to stop telling myself the lie that I am too afraid and mousy to do anything full and delicious.

I keep thinking of how beautiful it would be to have a creative career, doing something like jewelry-making or owning a portrait photography studio, and if I am going to try to write too, then I can't keep with the lie that I am too mild.

Really, maybe that is the biggest lie, right there: my self-perception. I percieve myself often as small and wispy and a bit frail. It's a gimmick to avoid facing any hard work. There it is: a lie, the lie, the one that holds me back.